When someone says “you’ve gotta set boundaries,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Is it that you’ve got to tell someone off? Stop talking to someone for a certain amount of time? Break up with a friend or partner?

I used to think about boundaries this way, and it’s that very thinking that kept me stuck in toxic relationships, self-neglect, and hustle culture for so long.

It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD that I finally started to wrap my head around boundaries… all because my entire life got flipped on its’ head.

Suddenly, I needed to get real close with boundaries, because I needed a way to explain to people that I needed to be treated differently than others.

Not that being neurodivergent makes you super special or anything, let’s get real. But it does make you less likely to be understood at first glance.

That’s why today, we’re going to hop into all things boundaries, centered in my neurodivergent lens.

Summary

So boundaries are a complicated subject—I think we’ve covered that much.

That’s why we’re going to take today’s blog post slow.

We’ll start with what healthy boundaries actually look like in the first place, then move to how to communicate them, before finally covering what my boundaries look like with myself, my work, and my relationships (the top three places we should all have boundaries, in my opinion).

If you have any questions after reading through, feel free to leave a comment down below!

What Are Healthy Boundaries, Anyway?

Boundaries, in general, get confused a lot. (I know I certainly didn’t understand them at first.)

At first glance, they seem like a way to control someone else—like a punishment for their mistreatment of you or something. But that’s not what boundaries are at all.

Boundaries are not:

• telling someone else how to treat you
• ultimatums
• punishment
• unfair
• power plays

Boundaries are your communication tool for comfort.

No, that doesn’t mean you have to be immediately comfortable using them. It just means that boundaries help us communicate our comfort zones. They tell another person what you will and won’t allow them to do, then—and this is the important part—they explain how you will react if they keep mistreating you.

It’s not about punishing the other party or holding power over them. It’s all about taking back your self-control and autonomy and no longer playing the victim in relationships.

You have control over yourself. Just like no one can make you feel a certain way, no one is in control over your reactions, either.

How To Communicate Boundaries

Now, here’s the hard part—actually communicating your boundaries.

It’s hard for a few reasons: you first have to be able to identify you’re uncomfortable in the first place, recognize what’s making you uncomfortable, think of how you will react if it continues, and then finally communicate it. That’s a lot of steps prior to communicating!

And if you struggle with the inability to identify your own feelings (alexithymia), then this is going to be even harder for you.

But don’t worry, it’s not impossible.

The first place to start is in your body. Are you tense? Are you sweating? Are you stimming to self-soothe? These are signs that you are uncomfortable, and that discomfort is a sign that you need to set a boundary.

So here’s what you do:

1. Identify you’re uncomfortable by using body cues mentioned above.
2. Figure out what’s making you uncomfortable—is it something somebody said? Something somebody did? Why do you feel this way?
3. Consider how you can make yourself comfortable again if this situation continues. How will you respond if it does?
4. Finally, communicate the boundary with the person or people necessary.

The simplest script I have for communicating boundaries comes from my amazing therapist, Pat:

“I feel [x] when you do [y]. I don’t like feeling [x], so if you continue to do [y], I will [z].”

Use this script to communicate your boundaries where [x] = anyway you feel negatively (sad, hurt, disrespected, etc.), [y] = the way they’re acting towards you that you dislike, and [z] = fair, healthy responses that you can control (hanging up the phone, leaving the room, ending a friendship, taking a 30-minute break, etc.).

Disclaimer

As you can imagine, everybody’s boundaries are different. What you’re okay with will not be what I’m okay with and so on and so forth.

It’s natural for you to be surprised when you come into contact with someone’s boundaries, and therefore, it’s okay for someone else to be surprised when they come into contact with yours.

But if you’ve never set a boundary before, chances are you’re surrounded by people who will not like when you start setting them.

This does not mean you are rude or selfish—it means they were benefiting from mistreating you.

So tell me, how does that make you the asshole?

If someone reacts negatively to you setting boundaries (i.e. blows up emotionally, stops talking to you, etc.) they are not a safe person to be around. In some scenarios we can’t just cut-off these people, and I understand that. But if you are not required to be near them, then do not be near them!

My Neurodivergent-Centered Boundaries

As an autistic and ADHD person (an AuDHDer) with childhood PTSD (cPTSD), I have struggled with boundaries my entire life. This is because my mother and her mother have struggled, too, and, of course, the fact that I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 23. (If you want to read my full story, you can find it here.)

And because this is a lifelong struggle, chances are not all of these boundaries are going to be perfect. They’re not all “if, then” statements like my script above, because not every one of them involves another person.

Yes, it’s healthy and important to set boundaries with yourself. These are also known as realistic expectations, which I know we all struggle with from time to time.

Please don’t expect perfection from this list—just expect it to be an honest look at where I’m at today, as a 27-year-old still figuring it out.

My boundaries with myself

• I do not have a perfect morning or night routine.
• If I would not like someone speaking to me that way, then I don’t say it to others.
• I pause before responding when triggered.
• I will take my meds daily no matter what.
• If I am uncomfortable, I will either speak up or leave.
• I need more rest than most people, and that’s okay.
• I do not tell someone new that I am neurodivergent or disabled.
• I do not stay in spaces (physical or relational) I feel uncomfortable or unwelcomed in.
• I write daily to clear my thoughts.

My boundaries with work

• I do not make important decisions on-the-spot.
• All important communication will be written down in an email, DM, or printed paper.
• I will prioritize my comfort first while dressing professionally.
• It’s okay that people know my dead name for legal reasons. It’s not okay for people to call me by that name.
• I do not need to socialize outside of work at all.
• If someone wants me to get something done, it must be on my to-do list or Google Calendar.
• When my headphones are on, that means I’m busy. Do not interact.
• I am not available 24/7. I answer emails and work-related DMs from 9-5 AKT (my timezone).
• When too many people are talking at once during a meeting, I ask for a pause and for everybody to go one at a time.

My boundaries with relationships

• I come before you in my life.
• I am not on most social medias for my own mental health.
• If you yell at me, I will take a 30-minute break and expect an apology afterwards.
• If you threaten suicide, I will take a 30-minute break.
• If I begin crying, I will take a 30-minute break.
• If you call me names (like asshole or stupid), I will take a 30-minute break and expect an apology afterwards.
• If you hit me, I will end the relationship (friends, family, or romantic).
• I can and will say no to hugs. If you force contact, we will not be friends.
• I need lots of alone time to function healthily. If that offends you, we wil not be friends.
• If I feel overwhelmed, I will take a break for the day/night.
• Someone disliking me does not mean I am bad; it means we are incompatible.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries is never easy, but it does get easier with time. You’ve just gotta trust yourself to go through the steps and trust that the process will take you where you want to be.

If you have any questions on where to get started or how to deal with difficult people not responding well to your boundaries, the comments are always open below. I do my best to respond to every comment, so please don’t hesitate to write something!